Spaceballs (1987) quotes

Director
Mel Brooks.

Cast
Mel Brooks.
John Candy.
Rick Moranis.

Planet Spaceballs’ President Skroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal planet Druidia’s abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them.

Try here. Stop.
– Colonel Sandurz
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
– Dark Helmet
Now. You’re looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
– Colonel Sandurz
What happened to then?
– Dark Helmet
We passed then.
– Colonel Sandurz
When?
– Dark Helmet
Just now. We’re at now now.
– Colonel Sandurz
Go back to then.
– Dark Helmet
When?
– Colonel Sandurz
Now.
– Dark Helmet
Now?
– Colonel Sandurz
Now.
– Dark Helmet
I can’t.
– Colonel Sandurz
Why?
– Dark Helmet
We missed it.
– Colonel Sandurz
When?
– Dark Helmet
Just now.
– Colonel Sandurz
When will then be now?
– Dark Helmet
Soon.
– Colonel Sandurz
How soon?
– Dark Helmet

Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
– Dark Helmet
What?
– Lone Starr
I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
– Dark Helmet
What’s that make us?
– Lone Starr
Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
– Dark Helmet

You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!
– Captain of the Guard

I can’t breathe in this thing!
– Dark Helmet

What’s the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?
– Dark Helmet

Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
– Dark Helmet
Sorry sir! I’m doing my best!
– Laser Gunner
Who made that man a gunner?
– Dark Helmet
I did sir. He’s my cousin.
– Major Asshole
Who is he?
– Dark Helmet
He’s an asshole sir.
– Colonel Sandurz
I know that! What’s his name?
– Dark Helmet
That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
– Colonel Sandurz
And his cousin?
– Dark Helmet
He’s an asshole too sir. Gunner’s mate First Class Philip Asshole!
– Colonel Sandurz
How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
– Dark Helmet
Yo!
– Entire Bridge Crew
I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!
– Dark Helmet
Keep firing, assholes!
– Dark Helmet

Oh, no. Not again.
– John Hurt

Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
– Dark Helmet

Do you?
– Minister
Yes
– Lone Starr
Do you?
– Minister
Yes
– Princess Vespa
GOOD, you’re married. KISS HER!
– Minister

I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
– Lone Starr
Who knows? God willing, we’ll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
– Yogurt

I can’t breathe in this thing.
– Dark Helmet
We’re approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
– Colonel Sandurz
Good. I’ll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
– Dark Helmet
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
– Radio Operator
What? You went over my helmet?
– Dark Helmet
Well not exactly over, sir… more to the side – I’ll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
– Radio Operator
Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
– Radio Operator
Not that.
– Radio Operator
Yes, that.
– Dark Helmet

No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.
– Dark Helmet

So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
– Dark Helmet

Who are you?
– Princess Vespa
Barf!
– Barf
Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!
– Dot Matrix

What the hell was that noise?
– Lone Starr
That was my virgin-alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do!
– Dot Matrix

I ain’t shooting this thing, I hate guns.
– Princess Vespa
My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
– Princess Vespa

I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!
– Barf

I know we need the money, but…
– Barf
Listen! We’re not just doing this for money!
– Lone Starr
We’re doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
– Lone Starr

You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let’s see how well you handle it.
– Dark Helmet