Billy Connolly quotes

Born
24 November 1942, Glasgow, Scotland.

Occupation
Stand-up comedian, musician, actor.

Billy Connolly is a Scottish stand-up comedian, musician and actor.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
– Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
– Billy Connolly

I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
– Billy Connolly

Don’t vote, it just encourages them.
– Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
– Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
– Billy Connolly

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
– Billy Connolly

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
– Billy Connolly

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
– Billy Connolly

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you’ll have the time of your life.
– Billy Connolly

Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
– Billy Connolly

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
– Billy Connolly

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
– Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
– Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
– Billy Connolly

I don’t aim to offend.
– Billy Connolly

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
– Billy Connolly

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
– Billy Connolly

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
– Billy Connolly

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
– Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
– Billy Connolly

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.
– Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
– Billy Connolly

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
– Billy Connolly

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
– Billy Connolly

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
– Billy Connolly