Johnny Carson quotes
Born
October 23, 1925 Corning, Iowa, U.S.
Died
January 23, 2005.
Occupation
Television host, comedian.
Johnny Carson was an American television host and comedian, He is best known as the host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962–1992).
Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.
– Johnny Carson
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
– Johnny Carson
We’re more effective than birth control pills.
– Johnny Carson
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
– Johnny Carson
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
– Johnny Carson
Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.
– Johnny Carson
We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that’s gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
– Johnny Carson
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
– Johnny Carson
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.
– Johnny Carson
I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
– Johnny Carson
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
– Johnny Carson
I wouldn’t have the slightest interest in running for public office. I’d rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
– Johnny Carson
Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
– Johnny Carson
There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
– Johnny Carson
George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
– Johnny Carson
I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
– Johnny Carson
When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
– Johnny Carson
Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
– Johnny Carson
Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
– Johnny Carson
I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
– Johnny Carson
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
– Johnny Carson
Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
– Johnny Carson
Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: ‘Are your ready?’
– Johnny Carson
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
– Johnny Carson
There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you’re going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young.
– Johnny Carson
People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted… it was inevitable that I’d start giving little performances.
– Johnny Carson
Never marry a girl named ‘Marie’ who used to be known as ‘Murray’.
– Johnny Carson
I owe one thing to my public – the best performance I can give.
– Johnny Carson
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
– Johnny Carson
According to statistics, it’s a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don’t hear from your relatives.
– Johnny Carson
Believe me, you don’t walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
– Johnny Carson
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
– Johnny Carson
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
– Johnny Carson
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn’t take two hours.
– Johnny Carson
In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.
– Johnny Carson
Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
– Johnny Carson
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
– Johnny Carson