Rodney Dangerfield quotes

Born
November 22, 1921 Deer Park, New York, U.S.

Died
October 5, 2004.

Occupation
Songwriter, singer, artist, writer. 

Rodney Dangerfield an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer and screenwriter.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
– Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
– Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
– Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
– Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
– Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
– Rodney Dangerfield