Airplane! (1980) quotes

Directors
Jim Abrahams, David Zucker.

Cast
Robert Hays.
Julie Hagerty.
Leslie Nielsen.

A man afraid to fly must ensure that a plane lands safely after the pilots become sick.

Nervous?
– Hanging Lady
Yes.
– Ted Striker
First time?
– Hanging Lady
No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.
– Ted Striker

Joey, have you ever been in a… in a Turkish prison?
– Captain Oveur

You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
– Rumack
A hospital? What is it?
– Elaine Dickinson
It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.
– Rumack

Johnny, what can you make out of this?
– Steve McCroskey
This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl…
– Johnny

I just want to tell you both good luck. We’re all counting on you.
– Rumack

Wait a minute. I know you. You’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
– Joey
I’m sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I’m the co-pilot.
– Roger Murdock
You are Kareem! I’ve seen you play. My dad’s got season tickets.
– Joey
I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?
– Roger Murdock
Nahhhhhh, he’s not bothering anyone. Let him stay here.
– Captain Oveur
But just remember, my name is…
– Roger Murdock
ROGER MURDOCK. I’m an airline pilot.
– Roger Murdock
I think you’re the greatest, but my dad says you don’t work hard enough on defense.
– Joey
And he says that lots of times, you don’t even run down court. And that you don’t really try… except during the playoffs.
– Joey
The hell I don’t! LISTEN, KID! I’ve been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I’m out there busting my buns every night! Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!
– Roger Murdock

Would you like something to read?
– Elaine Dickinson
Do you have anything light?
– Hanging Lady
How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”
– Elaine Dickinson

Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.
– Mrs. Hammen

What was it we had for dinner tonight?
– Rumack
Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
– Elaine Dickinson
Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.
– Rumack

Bad news. The fog’s getting thicker.
– Striped controller
And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.
– Johnny

Jim never vomits at home.
– Mrs. Hammen

Excuse me, I happened to be passing, and I thought you might like some coffee.
– Young Boy with Coffee
Oh, that’s very nice of you, thank you.
– Little Girl
Oh, won’t you sit down?
– Little Girl
Cream?
– Young Boy with Coffee
No, thank you, I take it black, like my men.
– Little Girl

Well, I’ll give him another twenty minutes, but that’s it!
– Man in Taxi

Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let ’em crash.
– Jack Kirkpatrick

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
– Steve McCroskey

You ever been in a cockpit before?
– Captain Oveur
No sir, I’ve never been up in a plane before.
– Joey
You ever seen a grown man naked?
– Captain Oveur

The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn’t have fish for dinner.
– Rumack

Captain, how soon can you land?
– Rumack
I can’t tell.
– Captain Oveur
You can tell me. I’m a doctor.
– Rumack
No. I mean I’m just not sure.
– Captain Oveur
Well, can’t you take a guess?
– Rumack
Well, not for another two hours.
– Captain Oveur
You can’t take a guess for another two hours?
– Rumack

Passengers certain to die!
– Rex Kramer
Airline negligent.
– Steve McCroskey
There’s a sale at Penney’s!
– Johnny

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
– Steve McCroskey

Can you fly this plane, and land it?
– Rumack
Surely you can’t be serious.
– Ted Striker
I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.
– Rumack

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking… We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight… By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
– Elaine Dickinson

What kind of plane is it?
– Reporter
Oh, it’s a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol.
– Johnny

I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It’s an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.
– Ted Striker
It’s an entirely different kind of flying.
– Rumack, Randy

No wonder you’re upset. She’s lovely. And a darling figure… supple, pouting breasts… firm thighs. It’s a shame you two don’t get along.
– Hanging Lady

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
– Steve McCroskey

Because of my mistake, six men didn’t return from that raid.
– Ted Striker
Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.
– Elaine Dickinson