Analyze This (1999) quotes

Director
Harold Ramis.

Cast
Robert De Niro.
Billy Crystal.
Lisa Kudrow.

A comedy about a psychiatrist whose number one patient is an insecure mob boss.

You don’t hear the word “no” a lot, do you?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
Well, I hear it all the time, only it’s more like “no, please, no!”
– Boss Paul Vitti

What is my goal here, to make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?
– Dr. Ben Sobel

What happened with your wife last night?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
I wasn’t with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
– Boss Paul Vitti
Are you having marriage problems?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
No.
– Boss Paul Vitti
Then why do you have a girlfriend?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
– Boss Paul Vitti
No, I’m not, I’m just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
I do things with her I can’t do with my wife.
– Boss Paul Vitti
Why can’t you do them with your wife?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
Hey, that’s the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?
– Boss Paul Vitti

Call the Vatican. See if something is missing.
– Dr. Ben Sobel

I couldn’t get it up last night.
– Boss Paul Vitti
You mean sexually?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
No, I mean for the big game against Michigan State. Of course sexually! What the fuck’s the matter with you?
– Boss Paul Vitti

I am redefining weird on an hourly basis.
– Dr. Ben Sobel

You’re turning me down?
– Boss Paul Vitti
When I got into family therapy, this was not the “family” I had in mind.
– Dr. Ben Sobel
You, with your schmucky little office in your schmucky little home, you’re turning *me* down? For what, so you can go back and listen to housewives piss and moan about how nobody fucks ’em right anymore?
– Boss Paul Vitti

Dad has a patient who thinks he shits trout.
– Michael Sobel

If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag… im gonna kill you , you understand?
– Boss Paul Vitti
No.
– Dr. Ben Sobel
Me fag, you dead.
– Boss Paul Vitti

J-Jelly? Did I do that?
– Dr. Ben Sobel
No, Doc. That one’s mine. You got the ’72 Chevy, and the Amana side-by-side refrigerator-freezer.
– Jelly

Paul, you have to channel all this nice grief into a murderous rage.
– Dr. Ben Sobel

Sorry, Doc. Nothing personal.
– Jelly
Don’t kid yourself, Jelly, it doesn’t get more personal.
– Dr. Ben Sobel

You know normally a patient wouldn’t have a vat of Scotch during a session.
– Dr. Ben Sobel

I’m gonna get a bite to eat. You wanna sandwich or somethin’?
– Jelly
What kind of sandwich ain’t too fattening?
– Guard
A half a sandwich.
– Jelly

Times are changing. You’ve got to change with the times.
– Dominic
What, am I supposed to get a fuckin’ website?
– Boss Paul Vitti

You think those whales piss in that water?
– Jimmy
No, I think they use the men’s room next to the Burger King.
– Jelly