Being John Malkovich (1999) quotes

Director
Spike Jonze.

Cast
John Cusack.
John Malkovich.
Catherine Keener.

A puppeteer discovers a portal that leads literally into the head of movie star John Malkovich.

Malkovich?
– Waiter
MALKOVICH!
– John Malkovich
Malkovich.
– Waiter

Let’s have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
– Maxine
NO!
– John Malkovich
Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
– Craig Schwartz

You don’t know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won’t allow it… because I raise issues.
– Craig Schwartz

Nobody’s looking for a puppeteer in today’s wintry economic climate.
– Craig Schwartz

There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it’s lying.
– Craig Schwartz

I think it’s kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y’know, sort of like, it’s like, like he has a vagina. It’s sort of vaginal, y’know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it’s sort of like… Malkovich’s… feminine side. I like that.
– Lotte Schwartz

Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
– Maxine

Don’t stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
– Lotte Schwartz

‘Scuse me.
– Guy in Restaurant
Mm-hmm?
– John Malkovich
Are you John Malkovich?
– Guy in Restaurant
Yes, I am.
– John Malkovich
Wow! You’re really, uh, great in that movie…
– Guy in Restaurant
Oh?
– John Malkovich
…where you play that retard.
– Guy in Restaurant
Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
– John Malkovich
I have a cousin… who’s a retard.
– Guy in Restaurant
Oh, thank you.
– John Malkovich
Yeah. So, um… as you might imagine, it… means a lot to me to see… retards… portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.
– Guy in Restaurant
Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
– John Malkovich

Ma-Sheen!
– John Malkovich
Malcatraz!
– Charlie

I have seen a world that NO man should see!
– John Malkovich
Really? Because for most people it’s a rather enjoyable experience.
– Craig Schwartz

She’s got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.
– Dr. Lester

Here’s the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn’t have a clue what to do with me.
– Maxine

There’s a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It’s a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich’s eyes… and then after about 15 minutes, you’re spit out… into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
– Craig Schwartz
Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
– Maxine
Oh, he’s an actor. He’s one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
– Craig Schwartz
Oh yeah? What’s he been in?
– Maxine
Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He’s very well respected. Anyway, the point is… this is a very odd thing. It’s supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know… about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don’t have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich’s head? I don’t know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don’t see how I could go on living my life the way I’ve lived it before.
– Craig Schwartz

Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
– Charlie

Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
– Maxine