Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) quotes

Director
Frank Oz.

Cast
Steve Martin.
Michael Caine.
Glenne Headly.

Two con men try to settle their rivalry by betting on who can swindle a young American heiress out of fifty thousand dollars first.

Fellas, last year I made 3 million dollars, but your 50 thousand was the most fun. Are you ready? Then let’s go get ’em.
– Janet Colgate

Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?
– Freddy Benson
Of course you may.
– Lawrence Jamieson
Thank you.
– Freddy Benson

Ruprecht, do you want the genital cuff?
– Lawrence Jamieson

I didn’t steal any money from her! She gave it to me.
– Freddy Benson
But, she filed this complaint against you.
– Inspector Andre
She caught me with another woman. C’mon. You’re French, you understand that!
– Freddy Benson
To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.
– Inspector Andre

May I take your trident, sir?
– Arthur

Not mother?
– Freddy Benson

Arthur, I’m sorry I broke your VHS player. I want you to give me the make and model number. As soon as I get settled, I’m gonna send you a check.
– Freddy Benson
Oh, shut up.
– Arthur

His name is – James. No. His name is – James Josephson. Oh, no, no! James Lawrence. Lawrence! Lawrence! Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fings. Forest Lawrenceton. La – Lars. Lars! Lawrence. Lawrence Lacko. Lawrence. His name is James Jessenden. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Jesterton. Lawrence Jesterton.
– Freddy Benson
Lawrence Jamieson?
– Inspector Andre
Yes! Yes! Yes! We’re like this!
– Freddy Benson

You’ve been banging on your pots again, haven’t you? I’ve told you… if you keep on doing it, you won’t have any pots left.
– Lawrence Jamieson

She’s the blonde in the blue sequined dress. Extremely rich, very married, eminently corruptible and a willing infidel.
– Inspector Andre
Perfect.
– Lawrence Jamieson

A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away.
– Lawrence Jamieson

Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?
– Lawrence Jamieson
No!
– Freddy Benson

Well, the Jackal has finally tucked his tail between his legs and crawled away.
– Lawrence Jamieson

Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!
– Freddy Benson

I’ve got culture coming out of my ass.
– Freddy Benson

Of all the lousy… She is disgusting. She is lying. She is deceitful. She is two-faced. She is conniving, and she is dishonest!
– Freddy Benson
Heh, heh, heh… Yes… Isn’t she wonderful?
– Lawrence Jamieson

Freddy. This is really very serious. They don’t treat gigolos lightly in France.
– Lawrence Jamieson
What do you mean?
– Freddy Benson
Until 75 years ago, they were still castrating them.
– Lawrence Jamieson

You heard that awful story about his girlfriend and the dancer. How did that make you feel?
– Janet Colgate
It made me physically sick.
– Lawrence Jamieson

There’s that smile! Daddy says we’re gonna have the biggest weddin’ Tulsa’s ever seen.
– Lady from Oklahoma

It seems the teacher has underestimated the student.
– Lawrence Jamieson