Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) quotes

Director
Rawson Marshall Thurber.

Cast
Ben Stiller.
Christine Taylor.
Vince Vaughn.

A group of misfits enter a Las Vegas dodgeball tournament in order to save their cherished local gym from the onslaught of a corporate health fitness chain.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
– Patches O’Houlihan
What?
– Justin

For instance, do you realize you haven’t collected any membership fees in 13 months?
– Kate Veatch
Hmmm…
– Peter La Fleur
I’m curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
– Kate Veatch
I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya… it feels phenomenal.
– Peter La Fleur
Well I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
– Kate Veatch
Sad? You want to know what’s sad? Six grown men playing dodgeball.
– Peter La Fleur

I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
– White Goodman

Fuckin’ Chuck Norris!
– White Goodman

Oh! Right in the testicles!
– Cotton McKnight
Ouchtown, population you, bro!
– Pepper Brooks

I’m being told that Average Joe’s does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
– Cotton McKnight
It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ’em.
– Pepper Brooks

If you’re going to become true dodgeballers, then you’ve got to learn the five d’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
– Patches O’Houlihan

In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I’d seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
– Cotton McKnight
He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
– Pepper Brooks

You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White, you’re a lot dumber than I thought.
– Peter La Fleur
Oh, I don’t think I’m a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought that I was once.
– White Goodman

Are you reading the dictionary?
– Kate Veatch
Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.
– White Goodman

Effin’ A, Cotton, Effin’ A!
– Pepper Brooks

Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade… Laser… Blazer…
– White Goodman

Come on, Kate. It’s time to put your mouth where our balls are.
– Peter La Fleur

You’re adopted! Your parents don’t even love you!
– Peter La Fleur

Could I get a bottle of water. – – Hey, aren’t you Peter La Fleur?
– Lance Armstrong
Lance Armstrong!
– Peter La Fleur
Yeah, that’s me. But I’m a big fan of yours.
– Lance Armstrong
Really?
– Peter La Fleur
Yeah, I’ve been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can’t get enough of it. But, good luck in the tournament. I’m really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you’re gonna be late.
– Lance Armstrong
Uh, actually I decided to quit… Lance.
– Peter La Fleur
Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the finals?
– Lance Armstrong
Right now it feels a little bit like… shame.
– Peter La Fleur
Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I’m sure this decision won’t haunt you forever.
– Lance Armstrong

Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn’t occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
– Cotton McKnight

And the Average Joe’s beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
– Cotton McKnight
I feel *shocked*.
– Pepper Brooks

If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!
– Patches O’Houlihan

It’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
– Cotton McKnight

Average Joe’s has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven’t even smelled a woman in eight months.
– Cotton McKnight
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
– Pepper Brooks

Holy hell, son, you’re about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!
– Patches O’Houlihan

And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!
– Patches O’Houlihan

God damn you, Bernice!
– Angry Troop #417 Girl

We should mate.
– White Goodman
What?
– Kate Veatch
Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
– White Goodman
Are you okay?
– White Goodman
I’m fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
– Kate Veatch
In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it… *in a book*.
– White Goodman

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
– Patches O’Houlihan

I’m white. I’m white. W-H-I-T… E.
– White Goodman

Yeah, I hope you’re all happy now. Good guy wins, Bad guy loses. Big freaking surprise. I love happy endings. You know, that’s the problem with… the American cinema: Can’t handle any complexity in it, you know? “Don’t make me think, I just wanna be entertained.” All right, fine. You want a little something, something for the ride home? Check these boots out for size.
– White Goodman

I love the smell of queef in the morning.
– Patches O’Houlihan

You happy? Fatty make a funny?
– White Goodman

There’s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’ve got ’em.
– White Goodman

Looks like it’s gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
– Cotton McKnight
Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
– Pepper Brooks

I am in extreme state of arousal. Please to make sex all over my face.
– Fran

Tomorrow, we’re gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards!
– Patches O’Houlihan

I ain’t crazy and I ain’t a guy.
– Patches O’Houlihan

You had me at blood and semen.
– Peter La Fleur