Inglourious Basterds (2009) quotes

Cast
Brad Pitt.
Diane Kruger.
Eli Roth.

In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a plan to assassinate Nazi leaders by a group of Jewish U.S. soldiers coincides with a theatre owner’s vengeful plans for the same.

Well, I speak the most Italian, so I’ll be your escort. Donowitz speaks the second most, so he’ll be your Italian cameraman. Omar speaks third most, so he’ll be Donny’s assistant.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
I don’t speak Italian.
– Pfc. Omar Ulmer
Like I said, third best. Just keep your fuckin’ mouth shut. In fact, why don’t you start practicing, right now!
– Lt. Aldo Raine

You didn’t say the goddamn rendezvous was in a fuckin’ basement.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
I didn’t know.
– Lt. Archie Hicox
You said it was in a tavern.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
It is a tavern.
– Lt. Archie Hicox
Yeah, in a basement. You know, fightin’ in a basement offers a lot of difficulties. Number one being, you’re fightin’ in a basement!
– Lt. Aldo Raine

[Drawing a map] Up the road apiece, there’s an orchard. Now, besides you, we know there’s another kraut patrol fuckin’ around there somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a goddamn sniper’s delight. Now, if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this here map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kinda artillery they’re carrying with ’em.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
You can’t expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger.
– Sgt. Werner Rachtman
Well, now Werner, that’s where you’re wrong, because that’s exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party’s being held, how many’s coming, and what they brought to play with.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[puts his hand over his heart] I respectfully refuse, sir.
– Sgt. Werner Rachtman
[a smack is heard offscreen] Hear that?
– Lt. Aldo Raine
Yes.
– Sgt. Werner Rachtman
That’s Sgt. Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname: “The Bear Jew”. Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
I’ve heard of the Bear Jew.
– Sgt. Werner Rachtman
What d’you hear?
– Lt. Aldo Raine
He beats German soldiers with a club.
– Sgt. Werner Rachtman
He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat is what he does. Now, Werner, I’m gonna ask you one last goddamn time, if you still respectfully refuse, I’m callin’ the Bear Jew over. He’s gonna take that big bat of his, and he’s gonna beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your wiener schnitzel lickin’ finger and point out on this map what I want to know.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[after brief pause] Fuck you… and your Jew dogs!
– Sgt. Werner Rachtman
[the Basterds all laugh]
Actually, Werner, we’re all tickled to here you say that. Quite frankly, watchin’ Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to goin’ to the movies. Donny!
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[from offscreen] Yeah?
– Sgt. Donny Donowitz
We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!
– Lt. Aldo Raine

[in German] I must say, I grow weary of these monkeyshines.
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
[Maj. Hellstrom cocks his Walther pistol and aims it at Lt. Hicox under the table]
Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Walther. Pointed right at your testicles.
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles?
– Lt. Archie Hicox
Because you’ve just given yourself away, Captain. You’re no more German than that scotch.
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
Well, Major…
– Lt. Archie Hicox
Major…
– Bridget von Hammersmark
Shut up, slut! You were saying?
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
I was saying that that makes two of us. I’ve had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down.
– Lt. Archie Hicox
[Stiglitz takes Hellstrom by the shoulder and aggressively forces a gun against his crotch]
That makes three of us. And at this range, I’m a real Frederick Zoller.
– Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz
Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here.
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
What’s going to happen, Major… you’re going to stand up and walk out that door with us.
– Lt. Archie Hicox
No, no, no, no, no, no. I don’t think so. I’m afraid you and I… we both know, Captain… no matter what happens to anybody else in this room… the two of us aren’t going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you’ll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad.
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
[In English] Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don’t mind if I go out speaking the King’s.
– Lt. Archie Hicox
[In English] By all means, Captain.
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
[picks up his glass of scotch] There’s a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily…
– Lt. Archie Hicox
[drinks his scotch]
I must say, damn good stuff, Sir.
– Lt. Archie Hicox
[sets his glass down and smokes his cigarette]
Now, about this pickle… we find ourselves in. It would appear there’s only one thing left for you to do.
– Lt. Archie Hicox
And what would that be?
– Major Dieter Hellstrom
Stiglitz…
– Lt. Archie Hicox
Say “Auf Wiedersehen” to your Nazi balls!
– Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz

[giddy] Oooh, that’s a bingo! Is that the way you say it? “That’s a bingo?”
– Col. Hans Landa
You just say “bingo.”
– Lt. Aldo Raine
Bingo! How fun! But, I digress. Where were we?
– Col. Hans Landa

You probably heard we ain’t in the prisoner-takin’ business; we in the killin’ Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin’.
– Lt. Aldo Raine

I’m gonna give you a little somethin’ you can’t take off.
– Lt. Aldo Raine

[Aldo shoots Hans’ driver Hermann, and gives Utivich a knife] Scalp Hermann.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man’s life!
– Col. Hans Landa
Yeah, they made that deal, but they don’t give a fuck about him. They need you.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
You’ll be shot for this!
– Col. Hans Landa
Nah, I don’t think so. More like chewed out. I’ve been chewed out before.
– Lt. Aldo Raine

AU REVOIR, SHOSANNA!
– Col. Hans Landa

[last lines]
Y’know… Utivich ‘n myself heard that deal you made with the brass. “End the war tonight”?… I’d make that deal. How ’bout you Utivich, you make that deal?
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[busy scalping Hermann] I’d make that deal.
– Pfc. Smithson Utivich
I don’t blame ya! Damn good deal! And that purty little nest you feathered for yourself. Well, if you’re willing to barbecue the whole high command, I ‘spose that’s worth certain considerations. But I do have one question. When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island, I ‘magine you’re gonna take off that handsome-lookin’ S.S. uniform of yours, ain’tcha?… That’s what I thought. Now that I can’t abide. How ’bout you Utivich, can you abide it?
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[finishes scalping Hermann] Not one damn bit, sir.
– Pfc. Smithson Utivich
I mean, if I had my way… you’d wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-suckin’ life. But I’m aware that ain’t practical, I mean at some point you’re gonna hafta take it off. So. I’m ‘onna give you a little somethin’ you can’t take off.
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[cut to Landa screaming and crying as Raine carves a swastika into his forehead]
[smirks widely] You know somethin’, Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece!
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[Raine and Utvich grin sardonically as the credits roll]

[very bad Italian accent] Arriverderci.
– Lt. Aldo Raine

I know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language besides English?
– Bridget von Hammersmark

[Aldo is carving a swastika into Private Butz’s forehead] You know, Lieutenant, you’re getting pretty good at that.
– Sgt. Donny Donowitz
You know how you get to Carnegie Hall, don’t ya? Practice.
– Lt. Aldo Raine

Teddy fuckin’ Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park on its feet for Teddy fuckin’ Ballgame! He went yardo on that one, out to fuckin’ Lansdowne Street!
– Sgt. Donny Donowitz

[to Perrier LaPardite] I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.
– Col. Hans Landa

Wait for the crème.
– Col. Hans Landa

[in French; subtitled] What the fuck are we supposed to do?
– Marcel
[in French] It looks like we’re supposed to have a Nazi premiere.
– Shosanna Dreyfus
Like I said, what the fuck are we supposed to do?
– Marcel

Tell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you’re sitting, would you show me mercy?
– Col. Hans Landa
[after a long pause]
– Lt. Aldo Raine
[smiles]
Nope!
– Lt. Aldo Raine
What’s that English saying about shoes and feet?
– Col. Hans Landa
“Looks like the shoe’s on the other foot.” Yeah, I was just thinking that.
– Lt. Aldo Raine

[points to Iron Cross medal with his bat] You get that for killin’ Jews?
– Sgt. Donny Donowitz
[as-a-matter-of-factly] Bravery…
– Sgt. Werner Rachtman

My name is Shosanna Dreyfus and THIS is the face… of Jewish vengeance!
– Shosanna Dreyfus

I can see since you didn’t see what happened inside, the Nazis being there must look odd.
– Bridget von Hammersmark
Yeah, we got a word for that kinda odd in English. It’s called suspicious.
– Lt. Aldo Raine