Life of Brian (1979) quotes

Cast
Graham Chapman.
John Cleese.
Michael Palin.

A jury holdout attempts to prevent a miscarriage of justice by forcing his colleagues to reconsider the evidence.

Excuse me. Are you the Judean People’s Front?
– Brian
Fuck off! ‘Judean People’s Front’. We’re the People’s Front of Judea! ‘Judean People’s Front’.
– Reg
Wankers.
– Francis

He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy! Now, piss off!
– Brian’s mother

I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
– Brian
Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
– Girl
What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
– Brian
He is! He is the Messiah!
– Followers
Now, fuck off!
– Brian
[silence]
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
– Arthur

I think it was “Blessed are the cheesemakers”.
– Spectator
Aha, what’s so special about the cheesemakers?
– Mrs. Gregory
Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
– Gregory

It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
– Stan
But you can’t have babies.
– Reg
Don’t you oppress me.
– Stan
Where’s the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
– Reg

Ahem!
– Wise Man #1
Oh!
– Brian’s mother
[falls over in chair]
Who are you?
– Brian’s mother
We are three wise men.
– Wise Man #2
What?
– Brian’s mother
We are three wise men.
– Wise Man #1
Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me.
– Brian’s mother

[on Stan’s desire to be a mother] Here! I’ve got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can’t actually have babies, not having a womb – which is nobody’s fault, not even the Romans’ – but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
– Judith
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother… sister, sorry.
– Francis
What’s the *point*?
– Reg
What?
– Francis
What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can’t have babies?
– Reg
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
– Francis
It’s symbolic of his struggle against reality.
– Reg

I am NOT the Messiah!
– Brian
I say you are Lord, and I should know. I’ve followed a few.
– Arthur

We were led by a star.
– Wise Man
Led by a bottle, more like.
– Brian’s mother

[screaming] … and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah…
– Blood and Thunder Prophet
[yelling] … for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will…
– False Prophet
…there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi – with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o’clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that…
– Boring Prophet

I’m not a roman mum, I’m a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I’m kosher mum, I’m a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
– Brian

[trying to hear Jesus’ sermon on the mount] Oh, it’s blessed are the MEEK! Oh, I’m glad they’re getting something, they have a hell of a time.
– Mrs. Big Nose