Men in Black (1997) quotes

Director
Barry Sonnenfeld.

Cast
Tommy Lee Jones.
Will Smith.
Linda Fiorentino.

A police officer joins a secret organization that polices and monitors extraterrestrial interactions on Earth.

Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
– Edwards
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.
– Kay
What’s the catch?
– Edwards
The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I’ll give you to sunrise to think it over.
– Kay
Hey! Is it worth it?
– Edwards
Oh yeah, it’s worth it…
– Kay
… if you’re strong enough!
– Kay

You’ll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You’ll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you’ll have no identifying marks of any kind. You’ll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You’re a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You’re no longer part of the System. You’re above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We’re “them.” We’re “they.” We are the Men in Black.
– Zed

You here to make fun of me too?
– Beatrice
No, ma’am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we’re aware of. May we come in?
– Kay
Sure.
– Beatrice

See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punkass Down!
– Jay

You do know Elvis is dead, right?
– Jay
No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
– Kay

Zed, don’t you guys ever get any sleep around here?
– Jay
The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You’ll get used to it… or you’ll have a psychotic episode.
– Zed

You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.
– Jay

Gentlemen, congratulations. You’re everything we’ve come to expect from years of government training. Now please step this way, as we provide you with our final test: an eye exam…
– Zed

All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
– Kay
Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
– Jay
A standard issue neuralyzer.
– Kay
And that weak-ass story’s the best you can come up with?
– Jay
On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You’re gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You’re gonna get over it and decide you’re better off.
– Kay:
Well, yeah, you know, ’cause ’cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what – you kicked HIM out! And now that he’s gone you’re gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale’s and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh – hire a decorator to come in here quick, ’cause… DAMN.
– Jay

This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
– Kay

All right, I’m in. ‘Cause there’s some next level shit going on and I’m OK with that. But before y’all go beaming me up there’s one thing you gotta remember: You chose me… so you recognized the skills, so I don’t want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
– Jay
Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely… dick.
– Kay

Now that’s the worst disguise ever. That guy’s gotta be an alien.
– Jay
You don’t like it, you can kiss my furry little butt!
– Frank the Pug

We’re not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.
– Zed

Oh, the red button there kid, don’t ever, ever touch the red button!
– Kay

Kay, give the kid a weapon.
– Zed
A Series Four De-atomizer.
– Kay
That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
– Jay
Noisy Cricket.
– Kay
Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little – little midgy cricket?
– Jay
WHOA! kid…
– Kay
Feel like I’m gonna break this damn thing…!
– Jay

You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of shit…
– Kay
He looked all right to me.
– Jeebs

You know what they say. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
– Jay
Try it.
– Kay

Did you ever flashy-thing me?
– Jay
No.
– Kay
I ain’t playing with you, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me?
– Jay
No.
– Kay

Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise ’round in a Ford P.O.S.
– Jay

We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
– Kay
Man, we ain’t got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don’t know whether or not you’ve forgotten, but there’s an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that’s about to…
– Jay
There’s always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
– Kay

Not bad for your second day of work, is it?
– Kay
This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.
– Jay
You should’ve been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.
– Kay

See ya around, Jay.
– Kay
No, you won’t.
– Jay

I can’t believe you lookin’ for tips in the supermarket tabloids!
– Jay
Not lookin’ for. Found.
– Kay

Place your projectile weapon on the ground.
– Bug
You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
– Edgar
Your proposal is acceptable.
– Bug

Going to get your gun back, huh?
– Jay
I like this gun…
– Kay

Goddamn bugs!
– Nick the Van Driver

All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It’s not that hard. But if you go in there, you’re gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You’re gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman’s a doctor, she don’t need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
– Jay
Two minutes.
– Kay

Get your big butt back in the house!
– Edgar

The galaxy is here!
– Frank the Pug
What do you mean “here?”
– Kay
Galaxy’s millions of stars and planets. How’s it here?
– Jay
You humans! When will you learn size doesn’t matter? Just because something’s important, doesn’t mean it’s not very small.
– Frank the Pug