Monty Python and the Holy (1975) quotes

Director
Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones.

Cast
Graham Chapman.
John Cleese.
Eric Idle.

King Arthur and his knights embark on a low-budget search for the Grail, encountering many, very silly obstacles.

I am your king.
– King Arthur
Well, I didn’t vote for you.
– Woman
You don’t vote for kings.
– King Arthur
Well how’d you become king then?
– Woman
[Angelic music plays… ]
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
– King Arthur
[interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
– Dennis

There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
– Sir Bedevere
Are there? Oh well, tell us.
– Peasant 1
Tell me. What do you do with witches?
– Sir Bedevere
Burn them.
– Peasant 1
And what do you burn, apart from witches?
– Sir Bedevere
More witches.
– Peasant 1
Wood.
– Peasant 2
Good. Now, why do witches burn?
– Sir Bedevere
…because they’re made of… wood?
– Peasant 3
Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
– Sir Bedevere
Build a bridge out of her.
– Peasant 1
But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
– Sir Bedevere
Oh yeah.
– Peasant 1
Does wood sink in water?
– Sir Bedevere
No, no, it floats!… It floats! Throw her into the pond!
– Peasant 1
No, no. What else floats in water?
– Sir Bedevere
Bread.
– Peasant 1
Apples.
– Peasant 2
Very small rocks.
– Peasant 3
Cider.
– Peasant 1
Gravy.
– Peasant 2
Cherries.
– Peasant 3
Mud.
– Peasant 1
Churches.
– Peasant 2
Lead! Lead!
– Peasant 3
A Duck.
– King Arthur
…Exactly. So, logically…
– Sir Bedevere
If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood.
– Peasant 1
And therefore…
– Sir Bedevere
…A witch!
– Peasant 2

Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
– Bridgekeeper
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
– Sir Lancelot
What… is your name?
– Bridgekeeper
My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
– Sir Lancelot
What… is your quest?
– Bridgekeeper
To seek the Holy Grail.
– Sir Lancelot
What… is your favourite colour?
– Bridgekeeper
Blue.
– Sir Lancelot
Go on. Off you go.
– Bridgekeeper
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
– Sir Lancelot
That’s easy.
– Sir Robin
Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
– Bridgekeeper
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.
– Sir Robin
What… is your name?
– Bridgekeeper
Sir Robin of Camelot.
– Sir Robin
What… is your quest?
– Bridgekeeper
To seek the Holy Grail.
– Sir Robin
What… is the capital of Assyria?
– Bridgekeeper
[pause]
I don’t know that.
– Sir Robin
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Auuuuuuuugh.
– Sir Robin
Stop. What… is your name?
– Bridgekeeper
Sir Galahad of Camelot.
– Galahad
What… is your quest?
– Bridgekeeper
I seek the Grail.
– Galahad
What… is your favourite colour?
– Bridgekeeper
Blue. No, yel…
– Galahad
[he is also thrown over the edge]
auuuuuuuugh.
– Galahad
Hee hee heh. Stop. What… is your name?
– Bridgekeeper
It is ‘Arthur’, King of the Britons.
– King Arthur
What… is your quest?
– Bridgekeeper
To seek the Holy Grail.
– King Arthur
What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
– Bridgekeeper
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
– King Arthur
Huh? I… I don’t know that.
– Bridgekeeper
[he is thrown over]
Auuuuuuuugh.
– Bridgekeeper
How do know so much about swallows?
– Sir Bedevere
Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.
– King Arthur

Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
– King Arthur
‘Tis but a scratch!
– Black Knight
A scratch? Your arm’s off!
– King Arthur
No, it isn’t.
– Black Knight
What’s that, then?
– King Arthur
[after a pause] I’ve had worse.
– Black Knight
You liar!
– King Arthur
Come on, you pansy!
– Black Knight

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
– French Soldier

What makes you think she’s a witch?
– Sir Bedevere
Well, she turned me into a newt!
– Peasant 3
A newt?
– Sir Bedevere
[meekly after a long pause] … I got better.
– Peasant 3
[shouts] Burn her anyway!
– Crowd

[after Arthur’s cut off both of the Black Knight’s arms] Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left!
– King Arthur
Yes I have.
– Black Knight
Look!
– King Arthur
It’s just a flesh wound.
– Black Knight

How does it… um… how does it work?
– King Arthur
I know not, my liege.
– Sir Lancelot
Consult the Book of Armaments.
– King Arthur
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
– Brother Maynard
[reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu…
– Cleric
Skip a bit, Brother…
– Brother Maynard
And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
– Cleric
Amen.
– Brother Maynard
Amen.
– All
Right. One… two… five!
– King Arthur
Three, sir.
– Galahad
Three!
– King Arthur

[Sir Galahad the Chaste is being seduced by an entire castle full of young women] We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
– Sir Lancelot
I don’t think I was.
– Sir Galahad
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
– Sir Lancelot
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
– Sir Galahad
No, it’s too perilous.
– Sir Lancelot
Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
– Sir Galahad
No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
– Sir Lancelot
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
– Sir Galahad
No. It’s unhealthy.
– Sir Lancelot
I bet you’re gay.
– Sir Galahad
Am not.
– Sir Lancelot

Who’s that then?
– Large Man with Dead Body
I dunno, must be a king.
– The Dead Collector
Why?
– Large Man with Dead Body
He hasn’t got shit all over him.
– The Dead Collector

[singing] He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off And his penis…
– Minstrel
That’s enough music for now, lads.
– Sir Robin

Right, I’ll do you for that!
– Black Knight
You’ll what?
– King Arthur
Come here!
– Black Knight
What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
– King Arthur
I’m invincible!
– Black Knight
…You’re a loony.
– King Arthur

We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
– Knight 1
NI.
– Knight 2
Shh…
– Other Knights
We are now the Knights who say…”Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing, z’nourrwringmm.”
– Knight 1

Can we come up and have a look?
– King Arthur
Of course not. You’re English types.
– French Soldier
What are you then?
– King Arthur
I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
– French Soldier
What are you doing in England?
– Sir Galahad
Mind your own business.
– French Soldier

Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
– Dennis

Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
– Dennis
Bloody peasant!
– King Arthur
Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn’t you?
– Dennis

…and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
– Sir Bedevere
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
– King Arthur

On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
– King Arthur