Paul (2011) quotes

Director
Greg Mottola.

Cast
Simon Pegg.
Nick Frost.
Seth Rogen.

Two English comic book geeks traveling across the U.S. encounter an alien outside Area 51.

Motherfuckin’ tittysuckin’ two-balled bitch!
– Agent Zoil

Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.
– Agent Zoil
Thank you, Agent Zoil.
– Clive Gollings
Please call me Lorenzo.
– Agent Zoil
Lorenzo Zoil?
– Clive Gollings, Graeme Willy

You are an alien!
– Graeme Willy
To you I am, yes.
– Paul
Are you gonna probe us?
– Graeme Willy
*Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?
– Paul

Whats the matter Clive?
– Graeme Willy
There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.
– Clive Gollings
Did you want tea?
– Graeme Willy
No, I don’t want tea!
– Clive Gollings
Right, because tea is weird in America.
– Graeme Willy

How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?
– Graeme Willy
Actually I’m speaking English you fucking idiot!
– Paul

Get away from her, you bitch!
– Tara Walton

They’re going to rape us and break our arms!
– Clive Gollings
I don’t want my arms broken.
– Graeme Willy

You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream.
– Paul

Okay Steven, how ’bout cellular revivification?
– Paul
I don’t know what that is.
– Steven Spielberg
Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.
– Paul
What’s that mean?
– Steven Spielberg
It means healing, Mr. Spielberg.
– Paul
Yeah right, healing. Like by touch or something like that. Like maybe his finger lights up on the end when he reaches out and touches?
– Steven Spielberg
Maybe… You know, sometimes I find less is more.
– Paul
Hey, trust me.
– Steven Spielberg

This is America. Kidnapping a Christian is worse than harboring a fugitive.
– Paul

My weed!
– Tara Walton

The world is 4000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design.
– Ruth Buggs
That’s horseshit!
– Paul

YO! fucknuts! It’s Probing time.
– Paul

Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.
– Ruth Buggs
I got a feeling that you’re new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing’s fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?
– Paul
Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?
– Graeme Willy
Fuck yeeah!
– Paul
You bet your big fat cock I am!
– Ruth Buggs
Nice!
– Paul

I am authorized to use deadly force! Stand down!
– Haggard
That thing’s got my daughter!
– Moses Buggs
Stand down! This is not your mission!
– Haggard
I’m on a mission from God!
– Moses Buggs
Tell him you failed!
– Haggard

Agent Mulder was right!
– Clive Gollings
Agent Mulder was my idea!
– Paul

Let me guess. You’re a writer.
– Adam Shadowchild

Get your own Alien!
– Clive Gollings

Haggard.
– The Big Guy
Zoil.
– Agent Zoil
Where are the other two?
– The Big Guy
One crashed and burned, the other just burned.
– Agent Zoil
Jesus Christ! This has been one fuck-up after another. I should have handled this myself.
– The Big Guy
I am very close. You give me one hour.
– Agent Zoil
An hour? I’ll be eating canap├Ęs with the governor in an hour. I need this wrapped up now!
– The Big Guy
No, no. They’re mine, damn it. I’m gonna finish this, once and for all.
– Agent Zoil
Too late, Zoil. I’m bringing in the big gun…
– The Big Guy
Boring conversation anyway.
– Agent Zoil

You bet your hairy love-eggs!
– Ruth Buggs

Eyes forward butt horn.
– Paul

But I don’t have my toothbrush!
– Tara Walton
Toothbrush? Baby, where we’re going, you don’t need teeth!
– Paul

It’s not fat, it’s power!
– Clive Gollings

Well, a wise man said, “You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream.”
– Adam Shadowchild
Who said that?
– Graeme Willy
I did. I just said that.
– Adam Shadowchild

Why not four tits?
– O’Reilly
That’s just sick.
– Graeme Willy