Sideways (2004) quotes
Director
Alexander Payne.
Cast
Paul Giamatti.
Thomas Haden Church.
Virginia Madsen.
Two men reaching middle age with not much to show but disappointment embark on a week-long road trip through California’s wine country, just as one is about to take a trip down the aisle.
If they want to drink Merlot, we’re drinking Merlot.
– Jack
No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!
– Miles Raymond
You know, can I ask you a personal question, Miles?
– Maya
Sure.
– Miles Raymond
Why are you so in to Pinot?
– Maya
I mean, it’s like a thing with you.
– Maya
Uh, I don’t know, I don’t know. Um, it’s a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It’s uh, it’s thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It’s, you know, it’s not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it’s neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot’s potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they’re just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and… ancient on the planet.
– Miles Raymond
What’s the title?
– Maya
The Day After Yesterday.
– Miles Raymond
Oh… You mean today?
– Maya
What about you?
– Miles Raymond
What about me?
– Maya
I don’t know. Why are you into wine?
– Miles Raymond
Oh I… I think I… I originally got in to wine through my ex-husband.
– Maya
Ah.
– Miles Raymond
You know, he had this big, sort of show-off cellar, you know.
– Maya
Right.
– Miles Raymond
But then I discovered that I had a really sharp palate.
– Maya
Uh-huh.
– Miles Raymond
And the more I drank, the more I liked what it made me think about.
– Maya
Like what?
– Miles Raymond
Like what a fraud he was.
– Maya
No, I- I like to think about the life of wine.
– Maya
Yeah.
– Miles Raymond
How it’s a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your ’61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline.
– Maya
Hmm.
– Miles Raymond
And it tastes so fucking good.
– Maya
Fuck face! You too!
– Stephanie
Me?
– Miles Raymond
Yo! Yo! Here’s my boy! Here’s my boy! But who’s your daddy? Now who is your daddy?
– Jack
Put me down, Jack.
– Miles Raymond
I’m so proud of you! Let me love you! So tell me everything. Details. I like details.
– Jack
No.
– Miles Raymond
What?
– Jack
It’s private.
– Miles Raymond
You’re kidding, right? Tell me what happened, you fucker, or I’ll tie your dick in a knot.
– Jack
Let’s leave it alone.
– Miles Raymond
You didn’t get any, did you? You’re a homo.
– Jack
I’m finished. I’m not a writer, I’m a middle school English teacher. Well, the world doesn’t give a shit what I have to say. I’m unnecessary. Ha! I’m so insignificant I can’t even kill myself.
– Miles Raymond
Miles, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
– Jack
Come on, man. You know. Hemingway, Sexton, Plath, Woolf. You can’t kill yourself before you’re even published!
– Miles Raymond
What about the guy who wrote Confederacy of Dunces? He committed suicide before he was published. Look how famous he is!
– Jack
Thanks.
– Miles Raymond
Just don’t give up, alright? You’re gonna make it.
– Jack
Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I’m a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I’m a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.
– Miles Raymond
See? Right there. Just what you just said. That is beautiful. ‘A smudge of excrement… surging out to sea.’
– Jack
Yeah.
– Miles Raymond
I could never write that.
– Jack
Neither could I, actually. I think it’s Bukowski.
– Miles Raymond
Listen, man. Cammi gets off in an hour, so I was thinking I’d just hang around and have a drink, and make sure she gets home safe.
– Jack
You’re joking, right?
– Miles Raymond
No.
– Jack
Un-fucking-believable. Can’t we just… go back to the motel… and hang out… and get up early, play 9 holes of golf… before we head home?
– Miles Raymond
Listen, man. You’re my friend, and I know you care about me. And I know you disapprove, and I respect that. But there are some things that I have to do that you don’t understand. You understand literature, movies, wine… but you don’t understand my plight.
– Jack
Why didn’t I get hurt?
– Miles Raymond
You were wearing your seatbelt.
– Jack
You know, the day you open a ’61 Cheval Blanc… that’s the special occasion.
– Maya
Did you drink and dial?
– Jack
This chick Stephanie, she’s got it all goin’ on.
– Jack
Well, she is cute, yeah.
– Miles Raymond
Cute? She’s a fuckin’ hottie. And you almost tell her that I’m gettin’ married? What’s the matter with you?
– Jack
I might be in love with another woman.
– Jack
In love? Really? 24 hours with some wine-pourer chick and you’re fucking in love? Come on! And you’re gonna give up everything?
– Miles Raymond
Here’s what I’m thinking: you and me, we move up here, we buy a vineyard. You design the wine; I’ll handle the business side. You get inspired, maybe write another novel, one that can sell.
– Jack
Oh, my God. No, no.
– Miles Raymond
As for me, if an audition comes up, LA’s right there, man. It’s two hours away, not even.
– Jack
Jesus Christ, you’re crazy. You’re crazy. You’ve gone crazy.
– Miles Raymond
All I know is that I’m an actor. All I have is my instinct. You’re asking me to go against it.
– Jack
Yeah, right. Yup, I’m a homo. Yeah. Yeah. Just make up whatever you want and that’s what happened. Okay? Write out my gay confession and I’ll sign it. Okay? Just stop pushing me all the time. You’re an infant, Jack. This is all a big party for you… but not for me.
– Miles Raymond
Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don’t want you passing out or going in the dark side. No going in the dark side!
– Jack
Okay!
– Miles Raymond
I’m the queen of typos.
– Maya
She tell you she was married?
– Miles Raymond
Yeah.
– Jack
So what the fuck were you thinking?
– Miles Raymond
Wasn’t supposed to be back ’til six. Fucker rolls in at five.
– Jack
Bet ya that chick’s two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?
– Jack
Fucking chick’s married, man.
– Jack
What?
– Miles Raymond
Her husband works a night shift or something, and he comes home and catches me on the floor with my cock in his wife’s ass.
– Jack
Oh, Jesus Christ.
– Miles Raymond
You don’t understand my plight.
– Jack
I’m trying to get you a little action, I’d appreciate a little help!
– Jack
I have to have an operation. Maybe a couple. They have to wait for my nose to heal first, and then they’re going to break it again.
– Jack
At least you’ll still have a voice-over career.
– Miles Raymond
It’s going to fuck that up too. I ought to sue her ass. The only reason I won’t is to protect Christine.
– Jack
That’s thoughtful.
– Miles Raymond
Are you still seeing that shrink?
– Jack
I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
– Miles Raymond
Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take… Xanax?
– Jack
And Lexapro, yes.
– Miles Raymond
Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.
– Jack
Now the cards are on the table.
– Miles Raymond
Yes, they are.
– Jack