Spies Like Us (1985) quotes

Cast
Chevy Chase.
Dan Aykroyd.
Mark Stewart.

Two bumbling government employees think they are U.S. spies, only to discover that they are actually decoys for Nuclear War.

Won’t you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
– Ace Tomato Agent

Did you hear that?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume
Yeah. It’s a dickfer.
– Austin Millbarge
What’s a dickfer?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume
To pee with.
– Austin Millbarge

Every minute you don’t tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
– Russian Interregator #2
Mine or yours?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume
Yours.
– Russian Interregator #2
Damn!
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

For God’s sake, show some balls!
– Austin Millbarge
I think it’s too late to try and impress them.
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

These are the Yusufzai. They’re Afghani freedom fighters! They’re our allies!
– Austin Millbarge
Oh! We’re Americans!
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick’s not so dumb.
– Austin Millbarge
It got me through high school.
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!
– Keyes
To guarantee the American way of life, I’m willing to take that risk.
– General Sline

When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
– General Sline

What’s she saying?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume
H… hair… hairbrush… headrest…
– Austin Millbarge
Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it’ll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guidance counselor said I’d never amount to anything.
– Austin Millbarge

I’m sorry I’m late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing… broke my arm.
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

We need a plan.
– Austin Millbarge
Let’s play dead.
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

What did she say?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume
She wants to know why we’d do such a thing.
– Austin Millbarge
Tell her so do we.
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There’s a thousand dollars in there… or maybe there isn’t. Know what I mean?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume
Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
– Test Monitor
What do you think?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

For once I’m completely in agreement with my partner. I’m not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.
– Austin Millbarge

You’re not going to give me some bullshit that you’re dying, are you?
– Alice, Fitz-Hume’s Supervisor
No… not now.
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

Well, what are you saying? That they’re Spies Like Us?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume
They’re spies – but, not necessarily on our side.
– Austin Millbarge

Listen, Fitz-Hume is in the custody of the Tajik Highway Patrol because of you.
– Austin Millbarge

Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.
– Col. Rhumbus

So thanks for the bruises and you can keep the ahhh… stool samples!
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

I think we can recall it.
– Austin Millbarge
What do you mean recall it? You mean, like a defective Pinto?
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

And now, the first incision. – – – And now, I will incise…
– Austin Millbarge
Cut the sucker!
– Emmett Fitz-Hume

I’m sure it’ll only be a matter of minutes before the President commits the total release.
– General Sline