The Cable Guy (1996) quotes

Cast
Jim Carrey.
Matthew Broderick.
Leslie Mann.
Ben Stiller.

A lonely and mentally disturbed cable guy raised on television just wants a new friend, but his target, a designer, rejects him, with bad consequences.

The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You’ll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There’s no end to the possibilities!
– Chip Douglas

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
– Chip Douglas

Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something… There was this guy, he looked Asian… and he was speaking another language, I’m pretty sure it was… Asian.
– Sam Sweet

You know what the trouble about real life is? There’s no danger music.
– Chip Douglas

Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king’s thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
– Chip Douglas

You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
– Steven
Tho?
– Chip Douglas

Can I get a knife or fork?
– Steven
There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
– Wench
There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
– Steven
Dude, I got a lot of tables.
– Wench

Preferred customer my ASS!
– Medieval Times host

Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
– Chip Douglas
That is so nice!
– Steven Kovacs
Well you’re a nice guy! You’d be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I’m a goddamn plumber or somethin’.
– Chip Douglas

Dry land is not a myth. I’ve seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don’t know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
– Chip Douglas

Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
– Chip Douglas

Dammit. Son of a bitch! The cable’s out.
– Steven Kovacs

Quickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin’ horse. I don’t think he’s kidding.
– Medieval Times host

Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
– Chip Douglas

HI! Is there a problem with your service?
– Chip Douglas
Yeah, my cable is out.
– Steven Kovacs
Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
– Chip Douglas

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called “Gimme Shelter,” about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels had their way. Tonight, it’s my turn.
– Chip Douglas

Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It’s the fun bus man!
– Chip Douglas

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
– Chip Douglas

You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I’m the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
– Chip Douglas

You better buckle up. I’ve had a lot to drink… just kidding. That’s my humor!
– Chip Douglas

Don’t be mad. Can’t you get somebody else?
– Steven Kovacs:
Sure. Maybe I’ll take MY cable guy.
– Rick

I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she asked me to move out.
– Steven

Look, Chip Douglas, I don’t know what your story is, but I’m going to find out!
– Rick
Well, don’t dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
– Chip Douglas

I hate you! Get out of my life!
– Steven Kovacs
He’s projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
– Chip Douglas
No, don’t go. Steven, you are being an asshole!
– Robin Harris

The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin’ down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin’ down.
– Chip Douglas

I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL!
– Chip Douglas

Don’t you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.
– Chip Douglas