The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) quotes

Cast
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Jonah Hill.
Margot Robbie.

Based on the true story of Jordan Belfort, from his rise to a wealthy stock-broker living the high life to his fall involving crime, corruption and the federal government.

Let me tell you something. There’s no nobility in poverty. I’ve been a poor man, and I’ve been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time.
– Jordan Belfort

Sell me this pen!
– Jordan Belfort

My name is Jordan Belfort. I’m a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
– Jordan Belfort

You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?
– Mark Hanna
Do I jerk off? Yeah.
– Jordan Belfort
How many times a week?
– Mark Hanna
Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.
– Jordan Belfort
Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.
– Mark Hanna
Wow.
– Jordan Belfort

On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my “back pain”, Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine… Well, because it’s awesome.
– Jordan Belfort

I am not gonna die sober!
– Jordan Belfort

What kind of hooker takes credit cards?
– Max Belfort
A rich one!
– Donnie Azoff

I fucked her brains out… for eleven seconds.
– Jordan Belfort

The name of the game, moving the money from the client’s pocket to your pocket.
– Mark Hanna
But if you can make your clients money at the same time it’s advantageous to everyone, correct?
– Jordan Belfort
No.
– Mark Hanna

[holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
– Jordan Belfort
Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn’t even get to touch Mommy for a very, very… very long time.
– Naomi Lapaglia
Daddy’s really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn’t mean any of it!
– Jordan Belfort
Daddy shouldn’t waste his time. And from now on… it’s gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
– Naomi Lapaglia
Yeah?
– Jordan Belfort
Yeah.
– Naomi Lapaglia
[pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.
– Naomi Lapaglia
Oh, gosh.
– Jordan Belfort

People say shit… I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
– Jordan Belfort
Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it’s not like what you think.
– Donnie Azoff
Is she like, a first cousin?
– Jordan Belfort
Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I’m not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I’m not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone’s gonna fuck my cousin, it’s gonna be me. Out of respect.
– Donnie Azoff

[Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie this isn’t… this isn’t funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.
– Jordan Belfort
I can’t untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin’ tasered you!
– Donnie Azoff
Why?
– Jordan Belfort
Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin’ around and shit.
– Donnie Azoff
Oh, Jesus.
– Jordan Belfort
You called the captain the n-word.
– Donnie Azoff
I called the captain the n-word?
– Jordan Belfort
Yeah, he was very upset.
– Donnie Azoff
Really?
– Jordan Belfort
Luckily we’re in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin’ drug problem.
– Donnie Azoff

$430,000 in one month, Jordy. huh?
– Max Belfort
They’re business expenses.
– Jordan Belfort
Jordy, look what you’ve got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!
– Max Belfort
No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. champagne.
– Jordan Belfort
The porterhouse from Argentina.
– Nicky Koskoff
Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.
– Jordan Belfort
[to Donnie]
And you brought in all the sides tell him about the sides.
– Jordan Belfort
I ordered the sides, so…
– Donnie Azoff
Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?
– Max Belfort
The sides did cure cancer, that’s the problem, that’s why they were so expensive.
– Donnie Azoff
[bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!
– Jordan Belfort
I’m serious.
– Donnie Azoff

She designs women’s panties too? Oh, my God!
– Jordan Belfort

[throwing money at the FBI agents] Fun coupons!
– Jordan Belfort

Brad, show them how it’s done. Sell me that pen. Watch. Go on.
– Jordan Belfort
You want me to sell you this fucking pen?
– Brad
That’s my boy right there. Can fucking sell anything.
– Jordan Belfort
Why don’t you do me a favor. Write your name down on that napkin for me.
– Brad
I don’t have a pen.
– Jordan Belfort
Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.
– Brad

Who’s Venice?
– Naomi Lapaglia
Who? Who?
– Jordan Belfort
Who? Who? What are you, a fuckin’ owl?
– Naomi Lapaglia

The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.
– Jordan Belfort

Let me give you some legal advice: Shut the fuck up!
– Patrick Denham

[to the waiter] Oh, I’m good with water for now.
– Jordan Belfort
It’s his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.
– Mark Hanna

I’ll tell you what: I’m never eating at Benihana again. I don’t care whose birthday it is.
– Donnie Azoff