This Is Spinal Tap (1984) quotes

Director
Rob Reiner.

Cast
Rob Reiner.
Michael McKean.
Christopher Guest.

Spinal Tap, one of England’s loudest bands, is chronicled by film director Marty DiBergi on what proves to be a fateful tour.

The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and…
– Nigel Tufnel
Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
– Marty DiBergi
Exactly.
– Nigel Tufnel
Does that mean it’s louder? Is it any louder?
– Marty DiBergi
Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? It’s not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
– Nigel Tufnel
I don’t know.
– Marty DiBergi
Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
– Nigel Tufnel
Put it up to eleven.
– Marty DiBergi
Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
– Nigel Tufnel
Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
– Marty DiBergi
These go to eleven.
– Nigel Tufnel

It’s like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black.
– Nigel Tufnel

We’re very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they’re like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They’re two distinct types of visionaries, it’s like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
– Derek Smalls

Money talks, and bullshit walks.
– Bobbi Flekman

I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
– David St. Hubbins
I really think you’re just making much too big a thing out of it.
– Ian Faith
Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.
– Derek Smalls

David St. Hubbins… I must admit I’ve never heard anybody with that name.
– Marty DiBergi
It’s an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he’s not a very well known saint.
– David St. Hubbins
Oh, there actually is, uh… there was a Saint Hubbins?
– Marty DiBergi
That’s right, yes.
– David St. Hubbins
What was he the saint of?
– Marty DiBergi
He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
– David St. Hubbins

Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I’m told.
– Ian Faith
But you’re not as confused as him are you. I mean, it’s not your job to be as confused as Nigel.
– David St. Hubbins

Well, I’m sure I’d feel much worse if I weren’t under such heavy sedation.
– David St. Hubbins

It’s very pretty.
– Marty DiBergi
Yeah, I’ve been fooling around with it for a few months.
– Nigel Tufnel
It’s a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
– Marty DiBergi
It’s part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I’m working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don’t know why.
– Nigel Tufnel
It’s very nice.
– Marty DiBergi
You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like – I’m really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it’s sort of in between those, really. It’s like a Mach piece, really. It’s sort of…
– Nigel Tufnel
What do you call this?
– Marty DiBergi
Well, this piece is called “Lick My Love Pump”.
– Nigel Tufnel

He died in a bizarre gardening accident…
– David St. Hubbins
Authorities said… best leave it… unsolved.
– Nigel Tufnel

This is our monthly “At Ease” weekend. It gives us a chance to let our hair down, although I see you’ve got a head start in that department. I shouldn’t talk, though, I’m getting a little shaggy myself. I’d better not stand too close to you, people might think I’m part of the band. I’m joking, of course.
– Lt. Hookstratten

You can’t really dust for vomit.
– Nigel Tufnel

“This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, ‘What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn’t he have rested on that day too?'”
– Marty DiBergi

Here lies David St. Hubbins… and why not?
– David St. Hubbins

The review you had on “Shark Sandwich”, which was merely a two word review, just said “Shit Sandwich”.
– Marty DiBergi

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people… the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing…
– Nigel Tufnel

“This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.”
– Marty DiBergi
That’s just nitpicking, isn’t it?
– Nigel Tufnel

It’s such a fine line between stupid, and uh…
– David St. Hubbins
Clever.
– Nigel Tufnel
Yeah, and clever.
– David St. Hubbins

May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I’m not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll.
– Lt. Hookstratten

They were still booing him when we came on stage.
– David St. Hubbins

The Boston gig has been cancelled…
– Ian Faith
What?
– David St. Hubbins
Yeah. I wouldn’t worry about it though, it’s not a big college town.
– Ian Faith

I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn’t believe anything.
– David St. Hubbins

Quite exciting, this computer magic!
– Viv Savage

As long as there’s, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.
– Mick Shrimpton

Do you feel that playing rock ‘n’ roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?
– Marty DiBergi
No. No. No. I feel it’s like, it’s more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there’s, you know, they preserve the moose. And that’s, that’s my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.
– Derek Smalls
So when you’re playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?
– Marty DiBergi
Yeah.
– Derek Smalls

You don’t do heavy metal in Dubly, you know.
– Jeanine Pettibone

You know what? I quit!
– Ian Faith

That’s not to say I haven’t had my visionary moments. I’ve taken acid seventy… five, seventy-six times.
– Derek Smalls
76?
– Marty DiBergi
Yeah, so I’ve had my moments in the sky.
– Derek Smalls

Sir Denis Eton-Hogg is being knighted for founding Hogwood, a Summer Camp for Pale Young Boys…
– Ian Faith

Do you have any sort of creed or philosophy that you live by?
– Marty DiBergi
Have… a good… time… all the time. That’s my philosophy, Marty.
– Viv Savage