Zombieland (2009) quotes

Director
Ruben Fleischer.

Cast
Jesse Eisenberg.
Emma Stone.
Woody Harrelson.

A shy student trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting tough guy trying to find the last Twinkie, and a pair of sisters trying to get to an amusement park join forces to travel across a zombie-filled America.

Who’s Bill Murray?
– Little Rock
I’ve never hit a kid before. I mean, that’s like asking who Gandhi is.
– Tallahassee
Who’s Gandhi?
– Little Rock

I’m not great at farewells, so, uh, that’ll do, pig.
– Tallahassee
That’s the worst goodbye I’ve ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.
– Columbus

It’s amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.
– Columbus

Yes! But no she’s not, she’s not. She’s only famous when she’s Hannah Montana. When she’s wearing the wig. So…
– Little Rock

Are you fucking with me?
– Tallahassee
Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we’re going down that hill. It is very important.
– Columbus
I don’t believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?
– Tallahassee

Is that how you say hello where you come from?
– Bill Murray
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can’t believe I shot Bill Murray.
– Columbus
Mr. Murray?
– Tallahassee
I’m just Bill, I think, now.
– Bill Murray
Bill?
– Tallahassee
Yeah?
– Bill Murray
I don’t think we’re gonna be able to stitch this.
– Tallahassee
Ah. That’s still tender.
– Bill Murray
You think you might pull through?
– Tallahassee
No.
– Bill Murray
If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
– Columbus
It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
– Bill Murray
So do you have any regrets?
– Little Rock
“Garfield,” maybe.
– Bill Murray

Oh, this is so exciting, you’re about to learn who you’re gonna call… it’s Ghostbusters.
– Columbus

Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I’ve come to realize that you can’t have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland.
– Columbus

The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons… were the fatties.
– Columbus

My mama always told me someday I’d be good at something. Who’d a guessed that something’d be zombie-killing?
– Tallahassee
Probably nobody.
– Columbus

So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I’m Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.
– Columbus

You see? You just can’t trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.
– Columbus

You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife.
– Columbus

No Twinkies.
– Little Rock
Shit! fuck!
– Tallahassee
See, I told you we should have gone to Russell Crowe’s! No one listens to me!
– Wichita

Here’s the deal: I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m sensing you’re a bit of a bitch.
– Tallahassee

Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don’t mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I’m such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I’ve seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill fucking Murray. I know that’s not your middle name. I’ve been watching you since I was like… Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they’re connected.
– Tallahassee

When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for “not to be fucked with”.
– Columbus

…The day he was born I just lost my mind.
– Tallahassee

Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?
– Tallahassee

Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else’s story?
– Columbus
No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.
– Tallahassee

Fuck this clown.
– Columbus

You’ve got a pretty mouth.
– Tallahassee

Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.
– Columbus
I haven’t cried like that since “Titanic.”
– Tallahassee

Hey, for fuck’s sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don’t have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it! We can’t just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.
– Columbus
Whoa.
– Tallahassee
I know.
– Columbus

Come on! Anybody hungry? Tallahassee’s nice this time of year!
– Tallahassee

Thank God for rednecks!
– Tallahassee

That guy down there… is me. I’m in Garland, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that’s actually just Garland.
– Columbus

Yeah, I shave every morning but sometimes by like 4:30 I’ll have a thing. I mean, I know it’s called a five o’clock shadow but sometimes I’ll get it prematurely.
– Columbus

Oh my god;
– Columbus
Look at this fucking clown.
– Columbus
Of course, it had to be a clown.
– Columbus