Funny quotes
It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
– W. H. Auden
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
– Abraham Lincoln
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
– Reba McEntire
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
– Imelda Marcos
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
– Mark Twain
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
– Jim Carrey
Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
– Wilson Mizner
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
– Mark Twain
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
– Margaret Mead
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
– George Carlin
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
– Oscar Levant
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
– George Bernard Shaw
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
– Joey Adams
Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
– James A. Garfield
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
– George Burns
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
– Elbert Hubbard
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
– Josh Billings
The only guaranteed way to make something not very funny is to make it vague.
– Thomas Lennon
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
– Logan Pearsall Smith
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
– Albert Einstein
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
– Thomas Sowell
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
– Luis Bunuel
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
– Wilson Mizner
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
– Victor Hugo
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
– Demetri Martin
I can resist everything except temptation.
– Oscar Wilde
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
– Mitch Hedberg
I have an unfortunate personality.
– Orson Welles
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
– George Carlin
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
– Abraham Lincoln
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
– Henny Youngman
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
– Isaac Asimov
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
– Groucho Marx
Reality continues to ruin my life.
– Bill Watterson
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
– Benjamin Franklin
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Jack Benny
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
– Anthony Burgess
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
– Henny Youngman
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
– Albert Einstein
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
– Groucho Marx
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
– Chris Rock
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
– Winston Churchill
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
– Steve Martin
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
– Jules Renard
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
– Clint Eastwood
I am so like Donna it’s funny. And most of my friends are guys too.
– Laura Prepon
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
– Robert Benchley
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
– Woody Allen
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
– Thomas Szasz