Funny quotes

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
– W. H. Auden

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Abraham Lincoln

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
– Reba McEntire

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
– Imelda Marcos

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
– Wilson Mizner

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
– Margaret Mead

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
– Oscar Levant

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
– Joey Adams

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
– James A. Garfield

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
– George Burns

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
– Elbert Hubbard

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
– Josh Billings

The only guaranteed way to make something not very funny is to make it vague.
– Thomas Lennon

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
– Logan Pearsall Smith

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
– Luis Bunuel

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
– Wilson Mizner

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
– Demetri Martin

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I have an unfortunate personality.
Orson Welles

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
– Henny Youngman

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
– Isaac Asimov

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Reality continues to ruin my life.
– Bill Watterson

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Jack Benny

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
– Henny Youngman

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
– Jules Renard

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

I am so like Donna it’s funny. And most of my friends are guys too.
– Laura Prepon

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
– Robert Benchley

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
– Thomas Szasz